teach me, Lord…..

As I’ve walked through one season after another this past year, my heart has learned to simply say,

Teach me, Lord…….

Rather than fight what’s happening and try to make sense of it all, I am learning to first say,

teach me, Lord…..

Wether my heart is breaking and the world around me is crashing to the ground, or everything is sunny and bright, He is teaching me something……….

And I am learning that what he is teaching me is precious and priceless and once I learn it, I will never be the same.

teach me, Lord……

five-minute friday….jan.27,2012

We just write without worrying if it’s just write or not.

Won’t you join us?

1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking. 2. Link back here and invite others to join in. 3.

Go a little overboard encouraging the writer who linked up before you.

OK, are you ready? Give me your best five minutes on:

::

Tender:

….with him, it’s been a love that just gets better, more tender  as the years go by.

the kisses get sweeter, the embraces more meaningful.

with each baby we’ve brought into the world, his desire to love and protect becomes more fierce, yet tender.

through the many seasons we’ve walked through in almost 14 years of marriage, i have watched him grow in his love for the Lord, and have seen his heart become soft, tender.

as i’ve sat buy during this week of sickness and watched him carry not only his load, but mine as well, i am in awe of this man and the deep, deep love i have for him.

it is a deep love that runs down in the depths of my soul, and with every heart beat i long for more of his tender love….

Embrace the camera: January 26,2012

After 8 L.O.N.G. days of being sick, I am finally starting to turn a corner.

Not better–but definitely turning a corner.  I’m not coughing very 5 seconds now, or dealing with the high fever and shakes I was having.

And the horrid headache I had all week is finally gone as well…phew.

I’m still pretty weak and can’t walk far without feeling as though I need a nap, but praise God, I am seeing progress.

 

Today I am embracing the camera with my little guy, Matthew…..He started with an upper respitory bug yesterday, so he’s not feeling too great himself today.

He always seems to find a smile though…..i love this sweet little guy with all my heart.

A week of plowing through….

What a week I’ve had.

I know it’s only Wednesday, but today marks a week and a half of heavy stress and extreme  sickness in my home.

Last Wednesday, I started with a cough, headache, and slight fever. I figured I was probably getting the upper respitory virus that one of my  kids had.

But by Saturday, i knew something wasn’t quite right.  The cough was much deeper and the headache almost unbearable.  not to mention the constant fever.

On Sunday,  greg took me to the Walgreens care clinic, where I was diagnosed with bronchitis and an upper respitory virus.

Let me tell you, I have never been so sick.  I have been off my feet since Saturday, and today is the first day I’ve been able to walk across the room without almost passing out.

I am praying that maybe, just maybe I am turning a corner today.

The cough is still bad, but praise God, the fever has stayed away today and my horrid headache went away around noon.

On a side note, I wanted to share something that has been on my heart.

I know I have been sharing on here our devastation over our precious daughter walking out.  My intent in sharing that was solely to share my heart and to let those who read here know of my need for prayer.

However, a sweet friend of mine, who happens to read here, shared with me yesterday that maybe it wouldn’t serve my daughter for me to share openly on a public blog about her life.  She suggested that maybe my daughter would take offense to that and not see it for what it is meant to be….after praying about and considering my friends input, I can say that I see a lot of wisdom in what she said.

That being said, from here on out, I will no longer be posting about that situation any longer, unless something significant happens that I feel my daughter would be okay with me sharing.

I appreciate all of you who take the time to read my blog, and I welcome your thoughts and prayers.

Dads first birthday in Heaven

dear dad,

I can  hardly believe you’ve been gone for close to 3 months now and that tomorrow you will celebrate your first birthday in Heaven, with Jesus.  What a glorious celebration that will be!

dad, words cannot express how deeply I miss you and love you, nor can I explain the turmoil my heart is currently in.

It appears that in the past 3 months, not only have I lost you, but possibly your oldest granddaughter as well.

You see, dad, she left home.  Half- way through her senior year, with no means of caring for herself.

And my heart is shattered.  As well as Greg’s and the other kids.

Life In our home will never be the same again.

I know you can relate to my feelings….many, many times you watched me make choices that you knew would end in pain and hard consequences, and you lovingly warned me, but I never listened.  I respectfully thanked you for your care, but I still stuck with my choice.

I honestly believe that it was your years of faithful, consistent prayers that finally brought me to my knees.  And for that, I will be forever grateful.

Because Jesus heard your prayers and he opened my eyes to the gospel and changed my life forever.

I believe God can and will do that for her as well, but I so fear the consequences of her choices.

I know if you were here and well, you would drive right up here and probably wouldn’t leave until you had a chance to talk to her.  She thought the world of you, just like I do.

As much as I miss you, i am so thankful that you are no longer laying in a bed all day long.

But instead, you are with Jesus.  You’ve waited to so long to meet him face to face, and I love trying to picture you running into the arms of Jesus, and hearing him say, “well done, my good and faithful servant.”

I love you dad, and again, happy birthday.

A mama’s heart

How does a mama’s heart keep from hurting as she watches her 18 year old choose the road the leads to destruction ?

What does a mama do when this child thinks she has it all figured out?

Whats this mama to do when the child just walks out the door last Sunday afternoon–after unexpectedly informing us only minutes before that she’s moving out–and tells us that she doesn’t want authority in her life and that she won’t be coming back…ever.

My mama heart breaks for this girl who so desperately wants a taste of the world…..who wants to be in the world because that’s where she finds pleasure.

What she doesn’t know is that the worldly pleasures are fleeting, and if they don’t destroy you , consider yourself spared.

I want so badly to get though to her, but I can’t…only God can.

And so, I am choosing to give her up to him…minute by minute, day by day.

Because really, when I think about it, shouldn’t I be doing that daily anyway, with all 5 of my kids?

Even through the darkest of valleys, there is still so much to be thankful for.  I’m linking up today with Ann Voskamp……..

…..the gift of an amazing pastoral team

….friends who are carrying these burdens right alongside us

….medication to heal sickness in our home

….snow….lots of snow

….boots,gloves,hats, scarves and sleds=lots of snowy fun

….an amazing husband who is carrying my load  right now as I am on the couch sick

….a Savior who’s love never fails

Our kids belong to God

if there’s one thing I’ve learned this past week is that ultimately our kids belong to God.

We can do our best to love them, train them, and sacrifice for them, but we can not determine the  outcome.

We can spend time with them, buy them gifts, and express our love for them in a number of ways, but again, ultimately they belong to God.

When my daughter walked out last Sunday, I spent hours trying to figure out where we went wrong.

I wracked my brain trying to think of what I could’ve done differently.

I know I’m not a perfect mom.

I know that because she was my first, I messed up a.l.o.t.

However, we did our best.

My husband and I worked hard at winning her heart, and we talked about the gospel together regularly.

We gave her consequences when she needed them, and we gave her freedoms when we felt was was ready for them.

She fought us tooth and nail when we tried to give her input, but we didn’t stop.

No, we loved her the best way we knew how.

We sought godly counsel when we didn’t know what the heck we were doing, and we tried to draw her out when she was withdrawn.

What it all boils down to is this: our kids belong to God.  He calls us to steward them well and to raise them in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

But he doesn’t promise that they will take our years of training and apply all that they’ve learned to their lives.

I’m so thankful that He can do way more than we can ever dream or imagine….

Revive….

There was a look in her eyes and a tone in her voice that I had never seen before.

As I watched her walk out the door, determined that she had the world by the neck, my heart was shattering.

Now that I’ve had time to think back to the events of this past Sunday, I know what that look in her eyes was..

It was the poison of sin.  The poison of lies believed and a pride that was bigger than her awareness of God.

Revive her Lord.  Bring her to her knees and revive her lost soul.

It has been a week of picking up the pieces of the many broken hearts in this home.

Revive us oh Lord…..let your Spirit fall on us and revive our broken hearts….

Embrace the camera: January 19,2012

For today’s embrace the camera, i am sharing a sweet shot of me and my sweet kitty, Max.

Max has been with us for  almost 7 years now……he was my Mother’s Day gift from my sweet hubby.

I had wanted  a kitty for quite sometime, having grown up with them, and my honey FINALLY caved in!

THANKS HONEY!!!

Max is a sweet kitty who has put up with A.L.O.T. over the years.  He’s been picked on, pulled on, and thoroughly squeezed until his eyes are bulging.

And he never retaliates.

What a sweet kitty……

I’m linking up at Emily’s today for embrace the camera….

Survival: a new season

I have so much to say and yet, my thoughts are so jumbled that I don’t know where to begin.

There just doesn’t seem to be a right way to start.

I can honestly say that for the past 8 months or so, I have been in SURVIVAL mode.

It seems that I have gone from one season of survival to another.  Ever been there?

I mean, seriously, I feel as though the dust  just begins to clear a bit and then Im right back in the storm….a new  storm.

Some of you know that my dad passed away just under 3 months ago, and that his death was extremely hard for me.

I have just begun to come to a place where  I can see more light than darkness in my days, and then this past Sunday life as we knew it turned upside down.

Imagine my surprise when my 18 year old daughter ,who is only half way through her senior year of high school informed us that she was moving out—right now.

Her reason: she was tired of being under authority.  She feels that once you’re 18 there’s no more need for authority.

Wow….if only that we’re true, but we who are believers know better.

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.  And I couldn’t believe the searing pain that was going through my  heart.  I stood there, just staring at her and asking her questions to get her to think about what she’s doing.

But she was determined and there was no getting through to her.

My husband tried to reason with her as well.  But again, there was no use.

There was no yelling or arguing….only tears and a family feeling ripped apart.

I haven’t heard from her since Sunday, but i do know where she is.  She is in a safe home with a family we love, yet her heart is still resolved to not coming back.

She will be with this family through the weekend, but there’s no plan for after that point.

My husband and I will meet with 2 of our pastors tomorrow to discuss things.

My week has been spent shedding lots of tears and picking up the broken pieces of my other kid’s hearts.

I have faith that God IS  Sovereign over this whole mess

and I know that he will work all things together for his good.

What that’s going to look like, I don’t know.

But right now, we are just standing on the Solid Rock Who can not be shaken.