Home….

 

 

 

Home…..a word that can have so many meanings and can affect us in so many ways.

Maybe home is the place where you grew up, a word that fills you with nostalgia over days gone by…….

Or maybe, it is the place where you couldn't wait to leave….

For me, when I think of home, I think of my life as a child, safe and secure in the knowledge of my parents love….

And home is my life now— a house full of kids, a wonderful husband, friends and family who stand by through the good times and the bad.

But then there's Heaven…..

Heaven has always sounded wonderful to me, but now that my dad's there, Heaven is a place where I long to be.

In Heaven awaits Jesus, my dad, and so many others who have gone on before.

Heaven holds the promise of life everlasting, no more tears, no more good-byes, no more sickness, sorrow, or pain…..

Heaven is home.

I'm linking up with Lisa-Jo for Five Minute Friday….

 

Five Minute Friday: Bare before my God

 

 

I've learned a lot about myself in the past year, some good and some not so good. I'm grateful for all I'm

learning, though I will admit that with the learning comes pain. But this pain, it's making me a better person,

opening my eyes to things I might otherwise not see. You see, The Lord is graciously using the pain as a

chisel, if you will, to strip away the layers of my heart, and to bring me to a place of simply being bare before

him. I've learned that being bare before my God allows me to come before him, real and without pretense,

no holding back. It means baring my heart, pouring out my fears and sharing the pain that just doesn't go

away. And this coming before him bare, it's not a one time thing. Oh no, it's coming to him over and over

again, pouring out the same hurt, the same sorrow, and allowing him to wipe away the tears once again.

 

 

*** I'm linking up with Lisa-Jo for five minute Friday….

 

Five Minute Friday: Not afraid anymore

 

 

Years back, I used to fear the future.

 

It began with my dad's Alzheimer's diagnosis, when he was only 53 years old. That's when the realization hit me that, as much as I want to, I can't keep bad things from happening to those I love.

 

As we walked the long, nine-year journey through dad's illness, watching him slip farther away from us each day, I found myself fearing what tomorrow would hold.

 

I wanted desperately to avoid heartache and loss, and I couldn't bear the thought of losing anyone I love…..I was so afraid.

 

Little did I know that five years into my dad's disease, I would be moving him into a nursing home, promising through tears that I'd come back very soon. I struggled with leaving him there, and I shook my fist at God and wrestled with the conflicting emotions that I felt.

 

LThe hardest part of this new reality was that I could do nothing about it.

 

Four years later, in October of 2011, I attended my dads funeral. At 62 years old, he was walking into the arms of Jesus, whole and complete forever.

 

In the year that followed, my life continued to be hit with one trial after another, but something was different.

 

I wasn't afraid anymore. God had done a work in my heart, using the very real sorrows of my life, to teach me that I can trust Him to be sovereign over me and those I love, and I don't have to try and fix any of it.

 

*** I'm linking up with Lisa-Jo today for Five Minute Friday.

 

 

 

 

 

Five Minute Friday: Amazed Again

 

I had the privilege of sneaking away with my husband this past weekend, for two glorious days of time alone.

 

Time where the focus was he and I, and the deep deep love we share.

 

We talked for hours, shared our hearts and our love,

 

And we had moments of silence—comfortable, warm silence, that needs no words.

 

As I look back on our time, I am once again amazed at God's goodness in bringing us together, in knowing that we're the perfect match, that he completes me, and I him.

 

 

 

*** I'm linking up today with Lisa-Jo for Five Minute Friday.

 

Five Minute Friday: Cherished

 

 

I've often likened this season I'm in to being on a raft……

 

It's as though I'm on a raft, and sometimes the waves are gentle, allowing me to loosen my grip a bit….

 

And yet, other times the waves hit hard, so hard that I'm choking and gasping for air and hanging on for dear life.

 

It's been a long, tiresome journey, one that shows no sign of slowing down, and yet, Lord, with each wave that hits, you're teaching me valuable, unforgettable things…..

 

You're teaching me heart changing truths that I will cherish for my lifetime,

 

And you're daily reminding me that I am cherished, and that no matter how hard the waves may hit, you will never let me go.

 

*** I'm linking up with Lisa-Jo for Five Minute Friday.

 

I only need to understand One thing….

 

 

There's so much that I don't understand about this past year, so many questions left unanswered…..

 

When I try to replay the events of this past year over in my mind, it's overwhelming and impossible to remember exactly how it all came about and when…….

 

All that I can remember, without hesitation, is the deep deep pain that our family has endured, and the many tears that we have cried.

 

 

The pain is still fresh, and raw, and real, and the trial far from being over……

 

There's still pain and tears, and many more questions, again, left unanswered.

 

And within me, there's this desire to fix it all and at the same time, there's this hard reality of knowing that I can't.

 

 

As I try to make sense of it all, I am aware that I may never know the answers to my many questions,

 

 

And I may never fully understand why this has had to go on for so very long…..

 

And quite frankly, it's hard for me to accept any and all of this.

 

 

Through the long, drawn out months of this trial, God has been at work, though at times, it wasn't easy to see…..

 

And little by little, he has stripped me down, tearing away the layers of my heart, making me bare before Him……

 

My heart isn't what it used to be…..it is now raw, and tender and so very broken and ready for repair.

 

 

You see, though this trial isn't what I have wanted,

 

God has shown me that's it's exactly what I need.

 

 

 

I needed to be brought to this place of desperation, this place of being raw before Him,

 

In order for Him to be able to change and mold this heart of mine….

 

 

Without the pain and the stripping away, He would be unable to shape me the way He sees fit…..

 

 

I've walked through enough fire to know that my God, He is good; I've tasted of his goodness and I know his Word to be true….

 

And so, as I continue on this pain-lined journey, I continue to trust in the One who promises to make my paths straight.

 

And I will cling to the Truth that He who has begun a good work in me will bring it to completion, in His time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Good bye 2012

 

 

 

So much has happened this past year, more than I could have ever dreamed or imagined.

 

I've experienced much sorrow and walked through more grief than I thought possible in a years time, and I can honestly say that I still haven't fully processed all that I've walked through.

 

 

 

With all the sadness that's been a very real part of my life, it's often hard to see all the good…..

 

And there has been good.

 

 

 

 

With every tragedy that's occurred this year, I've experienced the love of God in ways like never before. God has given me friends who have carried me when I've felt as though I couldn't carry myself, and he's deepened friendships that were already strong.

 

 

He's given me a peace in my heart that surpasses all understanding, and through the hardest of days he has spoken softly to my soul, reminding me of his love.

 

My love for God is stronger and sweeter than it was this time last year, and my heart more soft.

 

He has used the trials and the fire to refine me in so many ways, and though I've been broken, He has not allowed me to be destroyed.

 

 

Along with the many ways God has blessed me spiritually this year, he's also blessed me in many practical ways as well….

 

With all of the stress and tears of this year, I am more in love with my husband than ever before, and have a bond with him that's like no other.

 

I have a tenderness towards my family that's been born out of having cried many tears together and I see each of my babies in a new light.

 

God has been so very good to me, and though I still have the marks of 2012 still very raw and fresh on my heart, I can say with all sincerity that I am thankful for the way I've grown and all I've learned.

 

So I say good bye to 2012 and look forward with great anticipation to what God has in store for 2013….and quite honestly, I hope it's a boring, uneventful year. Just sayin.

 

Happy New Year!

 

 

 

 

Good bye 2012

 

 

 

So much has happened this past year, more than I could have ever dreamed or imagined.

 

I've experienced much sorrow and walked through more grief than I thought possible in a years time, and I can honestly say that I still haven't fully processed all that I've walked through.

 

 

 

With all the sadness that's been a very real part of my life, it's often hard to see all the good…..

 

And there has been good.

 

 

 

 

With every tragedy that's occurred this year, I've experienced the love of God in ways like never before. God has given me friends who have carried me when I've felt as though I couldn't carry myself, and he's deepened friendships that were already strong.

 

 

He's given me a peace in my heart that surpasses all understanding, and through the hardest of days he has spoken softly to my soul, reminding me of his love.

 

My love for God is stronger and sweeter than it was this time last year, and my heart more soft.

 

He has used the trials and the fire to refine me in so many ways, and though I've been broken, He has not allowed me to be destroyed.

 

 

Along with the many ways God has blessed me spiritually this year, he's also blessed me in many practical ways as well….

 

With all of the stress and tears of this year, I am more in love with my husband than ever before, and have a bond with him that's like no other.

 

I have a tenderness towards my family that's been born out of having cried many tears together and I see each of my babies in a new light.

 

God has been so very good to me, and though I still have the marks of 2012 still very raw and fresh on my heart, I can say with all sincerity that I am thankful for the way I've grown and all I've learned.

 

So I say good bye to 2012 and look forward with great anticipation to what God has in store for 2013….and quite honestly, I hope it's a boring, uneventful year. Just sayin.

 

Happy New Year!

 

 

 

 

Another heartbreak….

With only two days left in 2012, I can hardly believe this year is coming to an end.

 

And what a year it has been for our family.

 

Starting this past January, it's been one heartbreak after another, all. year. long.

 

And just when I think it can't get any worse, it does.

 

Just when I think I've learned to trust God enough, my faith is once again out to the test.

 

A couple of weeks ago, it occurred to me that the intensity of this trial had lessened up a bit, and I told my husband that I felt as though my body was now trying to recover from having been sick for quite sometime.

 

I felt as though I was starting to regain my strength, and that little by little I was “coming back”.

 

Little did I know, another crisis was coming my way.

 

Just as I didn't expect the other numerous events that rocked my world this past year, I was in no way prepared this week to hear that my daughter is now homeless.

 

Was I surprised? No, not really. But I was in no way prepared for the emotions that have come with this new reality.

 

And I wish I could say that I understand how this could've happened, but I don't. I do know how this could've been avoided, but unfortunately, the choice wasn't mine to make. It was hers. I warned her,time and time again, but once again, love of self won out over wisdom.

 

And once again, our family's heart is broken…..devastated and wondering when enough will be enough, and when there will be an end to this crazy, painful ride.

 

We have no way of knowing when this season will end, or when our daughter will see and respond to her desperate need for God.

 

We do know that He's the only answer to all of this, and that He will someday redeem the heartache and the loss we all feel.

 

In the meantime, we continue to grieve and to trust that God is in control of all of this.

 

Some of you may read this and feel that I'm running my daughter down by publicly sharing what's going on, but please know that that's not at all what I'm trying to do.

 

So many of you who read my blog know and love me, and I feel that this is one way for me to let you know what's going on, without me having to individually retell this over and over again. I share this in hope that you will please pray for our daughter and the rest of our family.

 

Not only that, but my daughter knows that I share my heart here on this blog, and there's nothing I've said here that I haven't already said to her.

 

Thank you in advance for your prayers…..

 

 

Christmas Eve musings….

 

As I sit in front of our Christmas tree, it's hard for me to believe that tomorrow's Christmas. I've come to like slipping down here in the early morning hours and sitting in the dark room just looking at the tree….

 

There's been something sweet about that quiet time, just looking at the tree and meditating on Gods goodness and faithfulness this past year, amidst the trial and pain.

 

I feel as though the anticipation of Christmas has given our family a sweet awareness of what's to come….

We've been through so much this year, and it seems like the trial will never end…..

 

And yet, through it all, God has been at work in my heart and in my family.

 

He's built a bond between greg and I and our younger four, a bond that runs deep and strong, a bond built out of a need for each other and a protective desire to hold each other up through this hard time.

 

 

He's also shown himself to me in ways I never imagined. Through all of the turmoil this past year, in the deepest place of my heart, he has given me peace.

 

He has brought a comfort that only he can bring, and he's spoken his love to me in quiets, subtle ways….it's as if he knew I wouldn't hear him in the chaos of my life, so he spoke deep into my heart, where I wouldn't miss what he's saying.

 

 

He's confirmed his love for me and my family, time and time again, and when I've wrestled with why my younger ones have had to know such turmoil, he's shown me that he has my kids in the palm of his hands and that their futures are secure with him.

 

 

God has given me something very special this Christmas season….he has used the events of this past year and all that I've learned along the way, to give me a heightened awareness of the true meaning of Christmas.

 

He's given me a desire to really adore him this Christmas, just like the song says. The words to the songs aren't just words to me anymore, but they are filled with the Truth of our amazing Savior and all that he's done.

 

While this Christmas is bittersweet for our home, I can honestly say that I wouldn't trade this sweetness I feel for Jesus for anything in the world.

 

Merry Christmas to you and yours….