Christmas Shoes….

i

have a nugget of wisdom to share with you this morning (market it on the calendar, because this doesn’t happen often.  🙂  ).

are you ready for this?  okay here goes:

soon after losing a loved one, do not—and i repeat, DO NOT watch the movie Christmas Shoes for the very first time.

trust me, you don’t want to do it, it will DO YOU IN.

my daughter saw this movie a few years ago with a friend and has been begging us to watch it ever since.  then last weekend, she bought it at target for $5.

so last night i popped up some popcorn and my hubby and i sat down with her to watch it.

H-O-L-Y- C-O-W…i cried through 90% of the movie.  seriously.  i really did.

it was a “good” movie, as far as movies go, but not exactly the kind of movie you should watch after losing someone close to you.  especially if you went through a season of watching your loved one die slowly—like i did.

i of course thought of my dad the whole time and couldn’t help but think back to that last week i had with him before he died.  the last time i held his hand.  i still remember every detail.

it’s been 7 weeks today since my dad went to be with Jesus, and i can honestly say that the pain has a little less of a sting than it did before.

the tears still come unexpectedly and i would still love to hold his hand, but i can honstly say that though i miss him like crazy, i am now happy for him that he’s with Jesus and is having the best Christmas season of his life.

grief is a wierd thing and i’ve learned that it is actually a process.

those first few weeks after dad’s death, i think my grief was coming from the long 9 years of walking dad through alzheimers—watching more of him slip away with each passing week.  i think i was reeling from the reality that the journey is over.  and also the fact that i had lost the last bit of dad that i had left–his physical body.

i have now moved into the area of just missing him.  remembering old times and laughing through tears over the funny things he used to do.

i will actually picture him at times and want to just frame the images in my mind.

there have been moments when i’ve been in a store and i have seen a man who from a distance looks like my dad.

i don’t wonder anymore “why” dad had to go, but rather, i see it as God’s kindness that he chose to take dad home.  he’s in heaven now, and he will never be sick again—how could i argue with that?

that’s not to say that the pain is gone.  it’s certainly not.

but it’s bittersweet now and it’s mixed with a peace that i can’t explain.

because of all that God has been showing me in the past weeks, i can honestly say that i am now seeing this process as an opportunity to now more of my Savior.

so, will i watch Christmas Shoes again this Christmas season?  absolutely not.

but i will rejoice in knowing that my dad is having the time of his life….i love you, dad.