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Christmas Shoes….

December 16, 2011

i

have a nugget of wisdom to share with you this morning (market it on the calendar, because this doesn’t happen often.  🙂  ).

are you ready for this?  okay here goes:

soon after losing a loved one, do not—and i repeat, DO NOT watch the movie Christmas Shoes for the very first time.

trust me, you don’t want to do it, it will DO YOU IN.

my daughter saw this movie a few years ago with a friend and has been begging us to watch it ever since.  then last weekend, she bought it at target for $5.

so last night i popped up some popcorn and my hubby and i sat down with her to watch it.

H-O-L-Y- C-O-W…i cried through 90% of the movie.  seriously.  i really did.

it was a “good” movie, as far as movies go, but not exactly the kind of movie you should watch after losing someone close to you.  especially if you went through a season of watching your loved one die slowly—like i did.

i of course thought of my dad the whole time and couldn’t help but think back to that last week i had with him before he died.  the last time i held his hand.  i still remember every detail.

it’s been 7 weeks today since my dad went to be with Jesus, and i can honestly say that the pain has a little less of a sting than it did before.

the tears still come unexpectedly and i would still love to hold his hand, but i can honstly say that though i miss him like crazy, i am now happy for him that he’s with Jesus and is having the best Christmas season of his life.

grief is a wierd thing and i’ve learned that it is actually a process.

those first few weeks after dad’s death, i think my grief was coming from the long 9 years of walking dad through alzheimers—watching more of him slip away with each passing week.  i think i was reeling from the reality that the journey is over.  and also the fact that i had lost the last bit of dad that i had left–his physical body.

i have now moved into the area of just missing him.  remembering old times and laughing through tears over the funny things he used to do.

i will actually picture him at times and want to just frame the images in my mind.

there have been moments when i’ve been in a store and i have seen a man who from a distance looks like my dad.

i don’t wonder anymore “why” dad had to go, but rather, i see it as God’s kindness that he chose to take dad home.  he’s in heaven now, and he will never be sick again—how could i argue with that?

that’s not to say that the pain is gone.  it’s certainly not.

but it’s bittersweet now and it’s mixed with a peace that i can’t explain.

because of all that God has been showing me in the past weeks, i can honestly say that i am now seeing this process as an opportunity to now more of my Savior.

so, will i watch Christmas Shoes again this Christmas season?  absolutely not.

but i will rejoice in knowing that my dad is having the time of his life….i love you, dad.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. December 16, 2011 8:33 am

    Lovely Post, God bless you

  2. December 16, 2011 3:41 pm

    Patty,

    Thanks for sharing so often and so specifically. It often blesses me during this season.

    I could relate so well to your “grief is a weird thing” sentiment. It’s been over 15 years since both of my sisters died and I STILL am surprised at how it affects me. Just yesterday as I was talking to Ben about it I realized again that though it will look different at different stages throughout the rest of my life, it is ALWAYS going to affect me because it’s ALWAYS going to be a party of my story. I guess I tend to not want to give myself a break about it just because I think it can’t possibly be that I’m still grieving. But ya know what? Death is sad. And it’s a very real part of my life–and now yours. And sometimes there is just no other reason behind the tears…. Praying that God will continue to give you grace to be sad when you’re sad. Yet to grieve “not as one without hope…” Praying God will help me do the same.So thankful for the hope we have in JESUS!!!

    Love,
    Angie

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