Living my story….
With Christmas quickly approaching, my mind (and heart) has been all over the place. I can quickly go from being happy that it's the Christmas season, to feeling sad that life is so different this year than it has been in Christmases past.
I'm realizing though, that it's a reality that I have to face. As much as I want to, I can't erase or change what's happened this past year.
And I am also realizing that I can't ignore the pain…..
For years, I would get mad at myself when I'd get weepy over my dad's long battle with Alzheimer's, and I'd find myself apologizing to others for my tears. I didn't even realize I did this until a dear friend lovingly pointed it out, helping me to see that I NEED to allow myself to feel and express these very real emotions.
Our year has been filled with so much grief and sorrow, and though the intensity has let up some, the pain is still very fresh and real.
It's not uncommon for me to have good days followed by weepy days, and sometimes I get so angry because I keep trying to convince myself that I shouldn't still be so affected….
I've wrestled with this, time and time again, and I've asked God what He's trying to teach me and “why, oh why, does it have to hurt so much?!”
leave it to God to use others to answer my plea…..
The other day, I was reading a post on Heather's blog, and her words were exactly what I needed to hear.
I read and re-read her post, tears falling all the while….
As she shared what God's taught her through her own walk through brain cancer and the recent loss of her little girl, Emma, I was struck by how her feelings and struggles resonate with mine.
Though our situations are different, the heart behind the pain is the same. Her and I both long for God to take away the pain, and yet we're begging God to show us what we need to learn.
The main thing that God has shown me through Heather's post is that we all have a story…..
And all of our stories are different. But the one theme that remains the same in each of our stories, is that God is the Author, and it's his place to fill the pages.
Some of our stories may be filled with page after page of seasons filled with heartache, while others may not.
I'm learning more and more that God knows exactly what my story needs in order to make it complete and glorifying to Him.
And though what He allows me to go through in order to fill those pages may be painful and not what I would have chosen, I am learning that I can trust him to know what's best.
I can trust him that it's okay for me to cry and let the pain run its course, because its through the pain that He intends to bring the healing.
And most of all, I can look back at his faithfulness in seasons past, and know that He will get me through this because He's never, ever let me go.