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Looking back over 2011

December 28, 2011

As I look back over 2011,I am aware of how very different this year turned out.
As I turned 40 at the end of 2010, I remember thinking that this year would be my best year yet. I was determined that I would “rock” 40, and that this would be the best year of my life.
Little did I know, this would prove to be my hardest year yet.
I had no idea that I would begin to move into premenopause and struggle with hormonal imbalance.
And I certainly had no idea that depression would become a part of that as well, affecting me in ways I never dreamed could happen.
Add to that parenting struggles and trying to maintain a “normal” life when I felt anything but normal.
Little did I know that I would get a call informing me that my dad hadn’t eaten in over a week, and that he was beginning to refuse his food as well.
I had no idea that I would be making an unexpected trip to say good-bye to this man who I had loved and admired my entire life.
And who knew that he would die a week after I say that good-bye?
Just as I had no idea that my dad would die this year, I also had no idea that grief would affect every aspect of my life. Or that a person could feel so numb, yet be so raw at the same time.
But, just as I hadn’t expected the hard times that made up this past year, I also hadn’t expected the amazing way that God has carried me through.
I never dreamed I could be so numb to His Word, yet feel his presence stronger than ever before.
I would never have thought that I could say that God is good when he chose to take my dad home earlier than I felt necessary, and yet I am able to see him as sovereign and good and kind.
I am able now to see that it was Kind of God to take my dad home to heaven and heal him of the Alzheimer’s that has had him bound for 9 long years.
Earlier this year, I couldn’t have imagined that I would love my husband even more than I did then, or that I would feel a bond with him that has carried me through this hard season. He has been a rock for me, and I love him more than I ever thought possible
So, as I reminisce over 2011, I am not sad over the way things played out….but rather, i am grateful that I know my Jesus more than I did in 2010.
And though I would love to have my dad here, where I can hold his hand, I am grateful that he is whole and is worshipping his Savior without end.
I wouldn’t have chosen to lose my dad this year, but in reality, I haven’t lost him….he’s just waiting for me on the other side. 🙂

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