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in the twilight zone….

December 6, 2011

 

 

 

I

honestly don’t know how people make it through grief without Jesus.

it’s been about 5 weeks since my dad passed away and i feel as though i’ve been in the Twilight Zone.

it’s as though i am on some other planet just watching life go on around me.  and yet, i am somehow functioning and managing to keep this home afloat.

in the past five weeks time has literally went by in a whirlwind and i can’t remember what happened when.  i remember being at my dad’s funeral like it was yesterday, and yet it feels like it’s been years since i held his had—just the week before his death.

in the past 6 weeks, we have traveled four different times and quite frankly, i am exhausted.

there are nights when, as my head hits the pillow, i can’t remember what i accomplished that day, and yet my kids are fed and warm in their beds, content.

as i look at the disorder in my home right now i can be tempted to feel completely overwhelmed, and yet, i look at my kids and see that school is getting done, laundry is washed, and again everyone is fed.

i have asked myself, “how is this possible?  how can i be surviving this choas and how am i making it through the pain that feels as though it’s going to swallow me whole?”

and that’s when i hear his still small voice, reminding me that he is carrying me through.

i may not be “feeling” excited about the Word of God right now and i may not be able to “feel” his presence like i used to.

but it’s during times like this when i have to forget about how i “feel” and go with what i KNOW to be true.

i KNOW that God is good—all the time.

and i KNOW that God works ALL things together for good for those who love God.

i KNOW that He will never leave me or forsake me and that he carries me in the palm of his hands.

i know that when i can’t make sense of how things are managing to get done around here amidst the chaos, i can be sure that He is the One covering for me and giving me strength—even when i’m not feeling it.

i’m so thankful that i don’t serve a God who relys on me—on my works or my accomplishments or even worse, on my feelings.

but rather, i serve a God who wants me to rely on him.

a God who delights in loving me and carrying me when i can’t carry myself.

22 The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; 23they are new every morning;    great is your faithfulness. 24 “The LORD is my portion,” says my soul,    “therefore I will hope in him.”  ~ Lamentations 3:22-24

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