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accepting the reality…..

November 30, 2011

J

ust yesterday, i was thinking how “normal” i have felt over the past few days.  i’ve found myself singing along to Christmas songs and happily picking out gifts for my family.  and i’ve found myself smiling.

this morning started out fine, until i was on my way home from the post office.

i had gone to mail a Christmas package to someone and as i was driving home, the tears came without warning.  i have no idea what brought on the tears, but i just couldn’t hold them in.

as i was crying, i began to think about my dad.  it’s been just over a month since his death and time has been so surreal.  it seems like i was just at his funeral yesterday, and yet it feels like months since i last held his hand.

i held his hand for the last time exactly a week before he died.  i can still feel his skin and remember how soft it was.  i remember holding his hand and crying, not wanting to let go.

i think i knew deep down that this would be the last time i saw him before his death.  i knew that i wouldn’t hold his hand again.

and i didn’t want to let go.

that night, i just held his hand and prayed for God to take him home, to make him whole.  and at the same time, my heart was breaking over the thought of him being gone.

i would hold his hand and then lay it down in his bed.  then i would pick it right back up again, because not holding his hand was too painful.

i remember letting go of his hand and leaning down to kiss his cheek—and feeling the grip of his hand as he grabbed my arm.  it was a God-thing, i know.    it had been over a year since my dad had acknowledged me, and yet, God in his kindness gave me that one last gesture to let me know that my dad knew i was there.  it was a precious moment, to be sure.

i can’t tell you what that did to my heart.

i miss him like crazy.  it’s so hard to accept the reality that i can’t hold his hand, or kiss his cheek.  i can’t rub the hair off of his forehead and tell him how much i love him and how proud i am to be his daughter.

i never dreamed losing him would be this hard.  it affects everything about me right now.  and sometimes i just want to fight it, this thing called grief.

but i know that God is going to use this season of walking through the valley of the shadow of death to teach me beautiful things.

i know he is using this as part of my sanctification and i know i will be stronger because of it.

but right now, today, it hurts—and i hate it.

and i know that God can handle that.

i know that he knows my heart and that he grieves right along with me.

i also know that he’s enjoying my dad and loving on him and laughing as my dad happily dances before him.

as much as i miss my dad, i wouldn’t want him for a moment to miss the joy he’s experiencing now.

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