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sorting through the emotions….

November 23, 2011

I

t really is amazing (and puzzling) to me how one person can have so many conflicting emotions.  and sometimes, all in one day.

in five days, it will mark the one month anniversary of my dad’s death.

i have never in my life dealt with so many different conflicting emotions.

i easily go from numb to tears in a matter of seconds.

i go from somewhat happy to extremely sad in a blink.

i am happy for my dad one minute because he is in heaven, and the next minute i am angry because he’s gone and i can’t touch him—no matter how badly i want to.

we went home to visit my mom this past weekend, and on the way down there, i was planning to visit the cemetery at some point during our trip.

but when the time came to go to the cemetery, i couldn’t.  i couldn’t bring myself to go to the place where his body is buried.  part of me felt guilty for that.

but i realized that, for me, the cemetery doesn’t bring me comfort, and that’s okay.  because for me, comfort would be holding my dad’s warm hand and hearing him breathe.

i also realized that we all deal with grief differently. and none of us are wrong in how we are responding to it.

for me, going to the cemetery was just a reminder that my dad is gone.

i’m sure i won’t always feel this way about going to the cemetery.  i know there will come a time when going there will allow me to go down memory lane and i will have a peace about him being gone.

but i’m not there yet.

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