i’m praying today that the Lord would just give me the strength to put one foot in front of the other.
i’ve spent the past two days holding my dad’s hand and saying good-bye. i thought walking away from him the day he moved into the nursing home was the hardest day of my life, but i was wrong—-letting go of his hand last night topped that.
he has been diagnosed “end stage” now. he hasn’t had any nurtition in him for about 3-4 days and the only hydration he’s had in the past 3 days is a half a cup of water. he won’t open his mouth when they try to feed him, which shows he’s ready to go. not only that, but when he does get food or water in him, he chokes—hard. he is no longer able to swallow, which means he’s choking on everything that goes in.
we made a quick trip to see him because i wanted my kids to say good-bye before he gets to the point where he’s gasping for air.
my dad has not shown any signs of recognition towards me for a couple of years now. but, i have to believe that he knew me on wednesday when i was there. i had laid his hand down and leaned over his bed to put my face against his. while i was leaned over, he reached up and grabbed for my arm. God knew i needed that.
i needed that one display of love from him, because it will most likely be the last display of love from him this side of heaven.
as i stood by his bed and held his hand, through my tears i prayed that God would take him home. he’s ready to go and i want him to be free. to be with Jesus, whole and healthy once again.
it hurts. it hurts something fierce and i can’t go more than 2 minutes without crying today.
not sure how i’m going to make it through the many things that need my attention today, but with God’s help i know i will.