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nothing accomplished?

July 26, 2011

it’s been one of those days.

i had great intentions this morning….

it’s now mid-afternoon and i have not accomplished even one of my “intentions.”

rather, i have spent the day frustrated with myself because of the changes going on in this 40-year-old body of mine.

frustrated that i can’t control the changes.  hating the fact that i feel like i don’t even know myself some days.  wanting so badly to be in control of these changes, these feelings, and the reality that this may go on for years to come, or at least until i finally get through menopause.

i don’t do well with change.  the only type of change i do well with is changing my hairstyle, and that’s because i’m in control of deciding to change my hair.  because i have a choice.

i don’t have a choice right now.  at least not when it comes to deciding wether or not i’m going to have to walk through this dark season.  the choice has been made for me–wether i like it or not.

and just for the record, i don’t like it.

but God, in his sovereignty, has decided to allow me to walk through this.

as i talked with a friend today, she made a comment about change.  she said that God has given her a new perspective on change.  she has come to realize that God allows change so that he can use it to bring about good.  she went on to say that often times, change produces things in us that we end up being very thankful for.

i pondered that for a while and realized how much truth was in those statements.  and i thought back to a dark season 5 years ago, when my dad went into the nursing home.  i didn’t think i’d survive that dark season of my life.  i thought i would die under the weight of my grief and my pain.

and yet, here i am, 5 years later, much stronger because of the lessons god taught me during that time.

and while i would prefer to have my dad happy and whole once again, i wouldn’t trade the lessons i learned back then for anything.

so maybe i didn’t accomplish anything on my to-do list today…i’m okay with that now.

because i’m pretty sure God was using my weakness today to remind me of his sovereignty over my life.  and acknowledging that is a wonderful accomplishment, if you ask me.

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