i know i’ve shared briefly on this before, but was inspired to share again today about the way God brought healing to my heart and my marriage.
i unknowingly spent the first 10 years of my marriage looking to my husband for fulfullment that can really only come from one Source:
past hurts and painful experiences had left me scarred and insecure, and unfortunately, i carried those scars with me into my marriage.
those insecurities showed themselves in many different ways.
i went through times of not wanting my husband to go anywhere without me, for fear he might die in a car accident, leaving me widowed and alone.
i would fear losing my husband to another woman, even though my husband never gave me reason to doubt him.
once we started having babies and my body started losing the shape it was when greg and i met, i began to fear that he wouldn’t love the way i look….that he wouldn’t be attracted to me anymore.
i went on this way for years. little did i know, but my insecurities were robbing me of the joy that God inteneded for my marriage.
by the grace of God, i have a wonderful, patient husband, who patiently and graciously walked me through those years and never gave up on me….even when my doubts and fears often hurt him, because he felt as though i didn’t trust him.
all of this finally came to a head late one night as i lay in my bed, crying to my husband about how much i hated my stretched out, overweight body. at least i thought that was my problem.
after a long discussion with my husband, greg graciously helped me get to the root of my problem.
trust. in. God.
i wasn’t trusting in God’s sovereignty over my life and the life of my family.
instead, i was trying to be in control and felt helpless when i couldn’t change things.
basically, i was expecting greg to be my happiness. i was looking to him for security and i was expecting him to meet the needs of my heart.
the only problem is, only God can fill the void in my heart.
and he did.
from that night on, greg and i prayed together about this, with greg holding me accountable and asking me hard questions when he saw me falling into those old patterns again.
i began reading helpful books, such as Trusting God: even when life hurts, by jerry bridges and i meditated on verses that reminded me of God’s sovereign care over my life.
it was a long road, but God faithfully used that time to grow me and make me more aware of his amazing love for me.
he helped me to see that, until i am complete in Him, i can not be the wife that he intended me to be.
that until i am satisified in Him, i will not find lasting satisfaction in anything, or anyone else.
i can often think back to those years and see how much precious time i wasted by not trusting God with my life and my marriage and wish that i had done things differently.
but i have learned to not feel ashamed of those years anymore, but rather, be thankful to God for bringing me out of the darkness and into his marvelous light.
and i am happy to say that my marriage is now beautiful and fulfilling.
i am more in love with greg now than i ever thought possible and our marraige is more beautiful to me with every passing year.
i am so thankful to God for his love and grace during those years, and for giving me a husband who loves me enough to stand by me even when things are hard.
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