i saw him this weekend. my hero. my dad. the man who taught me about the One Who gives new life and Who gives Living Water to those who thirst.
the man who sacrificed often and without complaint in order to provide for his family. the man who would witness to anybody who would listen. this same man, on the day he was introduced to his sweet Savior, came home from church and threw out all of his ciggerettes AND poured out all of his beer, because he knew that Jesus wanted all of him….even his addictions.
i love this man, my dad. and i would give anything to have him back. i’d give anything to be able to look into his eyes and to actually see him there. but i can’t. when i look into his eyes i. see. nothing. there’s no sign of recognition. there’s no surprised awareness that assures me that he knows i’m there. there’s nothing. only a shell of this man i love and adore.
i come home carrying a weight that is almost unbearable at times. a grief that seems to know no end.
i am sad and i am weak and i want him back.
i know that i will look back on this week and i will see how God has carried me through. i’ve already seen it through the calls and emails of concerned friends.
i know that this grief that i now carry doesn’t even begin to compare to the glory that is coming, yet i hurt, and i grieve. and i know that’s ok. i know that God sees my tears and he hears the cries of my heart and He cares. that even when i can’t pray because the words won’t come, He knows my heart and he will meet me right where i’m at.
there’s a verse to a song that says, the darker the night, the brighter His light shines through. i have so seen that to be true.
so, for now, as i walk through the darkness of this week, i will keep my eyes on the Light.
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