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October 24, 2010

fear is a terrible thing and if left unchecked, it can rob us of the joy that God desires us to have.  the enemy wants nothing more than to steal the joy of God’s children and he does everything he can to accomplish that.

i spent many of the earlier years of my marriage in fear of losing my husband.  sure, i was afraid of losing him to death, but even more than that, i was afraid of losing him to another woman.  my sweet husband never gave me reason to doubt his faithfulness to me, but the enemy sure did.  the enemy used the hurts and brokenness from my past to tempt me to this fear and i bought it–hook, line, and sinker.

i let it rule me for years, robbing me of the amazing freedom of truly loving my husband.  i let it hinder me from developing relationships with certain women, because i was scared to have these woman around my husband, for fear that he’d find them more appealing than me.  i went on like this for years.

it wasn’t until my dad became disabled with alzheimers that i finally hit rock bottom.  i was angry and full of fear over what this disease was doing to my dad.  i wanted to fix him, but i couldn’t, and i hated that.  i fought it until i couldn’t fight it anymore.  i hated the fact that i couldn’t control what was going on with my dad’s health, and i begged God to help me….and he did.

God used my church family and my sweet husband to help me see more clearly what was really going on in my heart.  during a late night conversation with my husband the dam finally broke and it all became clear to me.  all those years of  fear, all the tears of agony over not being able to fix my dad….it was all rooted in a lack of trust in God.

all those years when i was focusing on my fear rather than on my God…no trust.  i wasn’t trusting in God’s sovereign care over my life, nor was i trusting in his care over my dad.  when i was worrying about losing my husband to another woman, what i was really doing was trying to conrol my husband rather than trusting in God’s sovereign care over him. 

those years were hard and painful, both for me and my husband.  i can honestly say that my husband stood by me as i worked through all of this and our marriage is all the more stronger because of it.

i am so thankful to God for opening my eyes to this area of sin in my life, thankful that He has used friends, loved ones and my amazing husband to grow me in this area of trust.    every so often i am tempted to entertain thoughts that would lead me back down that path of not trusting in his divine sovereignty, but he ever so gently gets me back on track and reminds me where he brought me from.  🙂


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