His Story or Mine?
His Story or Mine?
I love ease. I crave ease. I don’t want to have to deal with the hard stuff. You know, the stuff that hurts. I want my life to go the way I picture it…but so often it doesn’t.
I wouldn’t have chosen for my sweet dad to be diagnosed with early on-set Alzheimers at the tender age of 53 and that we’d have put him in a nursing home five years later, knowing that he will never come home again, that this nursing home is his new home now.
I wouldn’t have chosen that a year after going into the nursing home, my dad would no longer know me and my family and would no longer be able to communicate with us. That I’d never hear him say, “I love you” again and would never feel his arms around me, welcoming me home once again. I didn’t choose any of that.
I certainly didn’t chose for my mom to be alone at a time in her life when she should be enjoying her husband and playing with their grandbabies together, nor would I choose for her to be struggling with depression over the loss of her sweet husband. I wouldn’t have chosen that.
And while I wouldn’t have chosen for those things to happen in my life, I can now say with all honesty, that I am thankful to God for walking with me through those trials. I’m not thankful for the trials, necessarily, but I am thankful for what God has taught me along the way.
He has taught me that He is faithful, even when I am faithless. He has shown me that He is Sovereign and that his love for me doesn’t change, even when my circumstances do. Through the agony of watching my dad slip away from me little by little, God has revealed more and more of himself to me, and has made me aware of my desperate need for him…daily, hourly, minute by minute.
He has shown me that He has written the story of my life and that the only way I will find peace with this life he has given me is by surrendering to Him and letting go of me…my wants, my desires, and my anger over this awful disease that has robbed me of my dad.
So, while this journey through Alzheimers has been hard, I am thankful to God for the lessons he has taught me along the way. I can honestly say that surrendering to His plan for my life has brought me joy that I never thought possible and it has brought me freedom in ways I never imagined.
I am definitely a work in progress, and there are many times I still struggle with wanting life to go my way, according to my story, but it’s then that I try to ask myself, Who’s story am I trying to live out….His story or mine?