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out of the darkness….

August 27, 2010

it’s been a long couple of weeks.  after spending a week with my dad while he struggled through pnuemonia and then heart issues, i expected to come home and just jump right back into life as i knew it.  wrong.  didn’t happen.  as a matter fo fact, i think these past 2 weeks have been the hardest, darkest 2 weeks of my life.

i went through a week of watching my dad try to breathe normal while struggling with pnuemonia, to thinking that he was getting better, and then having his heartrate skyrocket, putting him at risk for a heart attack or stroke.  it was like i was just going through the motions day after day, hoping for him to get better and begging friends to pray because i couldn’t.  i honestly could not find the words.  but my sweet friends reminded me that i didn’t have to have the words because they were praying for me and so was my sweet Jesus.

once i came home i was numb.  couldn’t “feel” anything.  i had no motivation to do anything, yet i forced myself to do things so that i wouldn’t lose my mind.  i longed to pray and to praise, but again, couldn’t find the words and couldn’t put any feeling behind the words.  i read the Bible and saturated myself with sermons and verses, yet i couldn’t feel the effects of any of it.

never in my life have i been in a place where i couldn’t feel any emotion, even though i longed for it.  i felt like i was walking through darkness and couldn’t find the light.

friends continued to pray for me and encourage me and helped me to see that what i was dealing with was “normal” and that i wasn’t on my way to needing a straight  jacket. 

all this week i have continued to read the Word and have continued to feel dry….until yesterday.  yesterday the fog started to clear.  i read the Word and actually ‘felt” God’s Word stirring my heart.  i later caught myself singing along to the radio, which is something i haven’t done in weeks.  i longed to sing praises, yet couldn’t find the words. 

today i reread psalm 42-43 and was struck by 43:3-4 : “Send out your light and your truth; let them lead me; let them bring me to your holy hill and to your dwelling!  Then i will go to the altar of God, to the God of my exceeding joy, and i will praise you …O God, my God.”

that’s what i feel that the Lord has done for me over the past few days.  he has sent out his light and his truth through friends and through his Word, and he has brought me to his holy hill into his presence.  he has brought me to the altar of God and has reminded me that he is my exceeding joy.  how sweet it is to feel his presence again, and how much sweeter it seems to me now because i had been longing for it.

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