this week literally flew by and i can’t believe it’s saturday. i kept busy this week with errands, laundry, and just trying to catch up from being gone last week. greg and i decided to kep this weekend simple and just enjoy each other and our family.
dad was released from the hospital yesterday. he will stay on the heart medication permanently because the doctors don’t want to risk him having a heart attack. i was hoping it was just a fluke thing and that he wouldn’t need to be on meds for it permanently, but that’s just not the case. they will also continue to give my dad breathing treatments until they are confident that the pnuemonia is completely gone.
i wish i could be relieved now that the pnuemonia is almost gone and his heart rate is stabilized, but i’m just not. i am still struggling with being depressed and just not able to shake it. it did help to go to care group this week and hear others say that it is normal for me to feel this way and that i need to allow myself some time to deal with things. i wish it wasn’t so hard for me to “allow” myself to struggle and hurt, to remind myself that i’m human and that it’s ok for me to feel weak and to need someone to talk to. it’s so HARD for me to come to terms with that.
i am so thankful that i have a husband who walks with me through the hard times and just lets me talk, even when what i’m saying doesn’t even make sense to me
in my mind, i think i should be able to just jump back into life and not be touched by the struggles and trials in my life right now. i want to go back to being joyful and content in my circumstances and somewhat “untouched” by them. i want to “feel” God more than i do right now, rather than just having to trust that He knows my heart. i know he’s there and that He’s walking me through this, but i just can’t feel it…it’s almost like i don’t “feel” anything right now.
i read an article the other day that was so timely for me….it was a sweet reminder that God uses the dark times in our lives to let his light shine even brighter. he uses the hard times to grow us in ways that we may not otherwise grow in. it was a reminder that, even though i can’t “feel” things right now, i can still praise him in this storm and that i can still trust him, because his love for me isn’t based on my feelings.
i’ve been encouraged by Psalm 42, where the psalmist says, “why are you downcast, oh my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? hope in God; for i shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.”