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August 17, 2010

a lot has happened since my last post last tuesday morning.  long story short, my dad went from possibly not pulling through the pnuemonia to starting to get better and then onto having some heart issues on friday.  his heart rate was dangerously high, putting him at risk for a heart attack or stroke.  with the help of medication, his heart rate is now normal.  the hospital is hoping to wean him off of the medication, in hopes that his heart will maintain a normal rhythm on it’s own.  if it doesn’t do that, he will have to be on heart medication for the rest of his life.  the doctors will NOT send him back to the nursing home until they are confident that his heart rate is under control.

i don’t think i’ve ever dealt with so many different emotions in the course of one week.  i felt like i was on a carousel ride that was spinning out of conrol and now that the ride has slowed down, i am still spinning and trying to regain my balance.  i actually feel sick, to be honest.  i feel like i’m trying to get over the flu. at times,  i feel weak and unmotivated to do anything, and at other times i feel a bit stronger and try tackling some things…such as school planning that i’m still not done with.

over the course of last week, i went through times of just feeling like i couldn’t even pray.  i knew God was there, yet i couldn’t find any words to pray.  a couple of friends reminded me that i didn’t have to pray….God knows my heart and my struggle and i have many friends who are praying for me, in my place.  and not only that, but they reminded me that Jesus is praying for me as well, interceding on my behalf.  just knowing that brought me comfort.

i spent most of the week feeling guilty because i just didn’t feel strong; i felt helpless and numb. i felt like i was in a bad dream that i couldn’t wake up from. 

it was more than watching my dad struggle with pnuemonia…it was having the effects of the alzheimers right in front of me, day and night.  it was coming head to head with the reality that, this side of heaven, my dad will not be free from alzheimers.  it was realizing that this is just how it is now and that i’ve never really been able to come to terms with that.  and quite frankly, i don’t know if i ever will.  i mean, how do i get “used to” seeing my dad this way….unable to walk or talk or do any of the things that he used to do? i think that it’s OK that i never really come to terms with that, because i know that God knows my heart and he knows the struggle that this is for me.

i had hours of time just holding my dad’s hand this past week.  more than anything, i would’ve loved to hear him say, “i love you”, or to have him look into my eyes and give me one of his ornery smiles, but i know that the chances of that happening are slim to nothing.

since i’ve been home, i’ve still had that numb feeling, that feeling of  trying to get over sickness.  yet today, i can honestly say that God is making me aware again of his goodness in my life and he’s been sweetly reminding me of the blessing that my dad has been in my life. 

it still hurts and i still feel numb, yet i know that over time, God is slowly bringing the feeling back and is making me aware of his love, which is all that i truly need.

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