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seasons……

May 29, 2010

i’ve realized just in the past week or so that i’m entering a season of life that is somewhat nice.  i’m realizing that as my kids are getting older, they are doing more things for themselves, which requires less work on my part…phew.  even my baby, who’s 3-1/2 now, can dress himself and LOVES doing it!  while i’m a bit sad at how quickly the kids are growing, i am seriously becoming content with this season…..

i love how we can just jump in the van and go at the drop of a hat and that matthew can even fasten his own carseat now.  i love how the 3 oldest kids are fully capable of making a meal and cleaning it up.  i feel like i’m finally entering a season with the kids where i am able to focus more on enjoying them rather than being wiped out from doing everything for them.  i’m still tired, but it’s different now and i like it.

i’m also realizing that there are some seasons that just don’t get any easier, until you’re on the other side of it.  such as the season i’ve been in with my dad…..it’s been 2-1/2 years since he went into the nursing home, and it’s been about a year since he’s been able to communicate with me.  and while i can see how much God has grown me these past few years, i can honestly say that it hasn’t gotten any easier.

with father’s day approaching, my dad has been on my mind a lot more than usual.  memories of him have been flooding my mind and i miss him like crazy.  i miss the man who used to be waiting for us in the driveway when we’d come to visit, wrapping me up in a hug and telling me he loves me numerous times during our visit. 

i miss the way he would just look at the kids and marvel at how much they’ve grown and he would always tell them that God is going to do great things in their lives.  he never tired of telling them what God did in his life…..how God saved him from hell, delivered him from alcoholism, and made him a new creation.

i miss walking into his garage and seeing his latest project, listening to sermons or worship tapes while he worked.  he could fix or create anything and everything.

more than anything, i miss hearing him tell me that he loves me and i miss that sweet smile that he always had for me, even when he didn’t feel like smiling.

during this season that i’ve been walking through with my dad, i have prayed for God to heal him and many, many times i asked God why my dad had to walk through alzheimers disease.  it’s taken me a while to figure it out, but i feel like God has shown me that my dad’s life was a fragrant offering to God and that even though my dad can’t verbalize his love for us anymore, his life is STILL being used to bring glory to God.  had i not walked through these past few years grieving the loss of this man who i love so dearly, i wouldn’t know my sweet Savior the way i do now.  i wouldn’t have learned to lean on Him the way i do now.

while the grief is still very real and very deep, i know that all that EVER mattered to my dad was sharing the gospel with anyone and everyone he came into contact with.  and i know that he would have sacrificed everything, even his life, to show Jesus how much he loves him.  and even though Dad doesn’t know it, he’s still being used by God to bring people to Him. 

and that’s all that ever mattered to Dad…..

i love you, Dad.

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