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looking back……

February 10, 2010

i was recently reminded of the many (about 10 to be exact)years that i spent fearing that i would lose my husband.  and to be honest, i was more afraid of losing him to another woman than i was of losing him to death.

my husband has NEVER given me reason to doubt his faithfulness to me; as a matter of fact, he’s always gone out of his way to affirm his love for me, both with words and actions.  and his actions have always matched up w/his words.

the fear came from the hurts and unfaithfulness that i had been dealt in the past, before my husband came along.  hurts that i thought i was past, until i got married…then the enemy started using my past to rob me of the joy of the beautiful union between greg and i.

long story short, i spent those first 10 years of our marriage contantly doubting that greg could be satisfied w/me and, in many ways, i tried to control him.  it was a long painful 10 years, with greg constantly reaffirming his love for me and trying to convince me that i was the one for him and that he didn’t want anybody else.

i wasn’t until probably just over a year ago that God used greg to open my eyes to what the root of this problem really was.  we had been talking late one night and i, once again, was questioning his love and devotion to me.  greg, in his sweet and patient way, talked me through my fears (once again), but this time, he said some very profound things that rattled my world…..

he suggested that this “fear” that i had of losing him wasn’t just a result of my past, it was actually a heart issue…in other words, sin.  he lovingly helped me to see that i was putting ALL of my hope and trust into him rather than into God, where it belongs.

it was actually painful for me to try and process that.  giving up the “control” that i was trying to have over my life meant that i had to let it go…..and while i wanted to be free from this struggle, i couldn’t grasp how i could possibly let it go, because it was so much a part of me.  i almost felt like i wouldn’t know how to function without it.

this began the long, yet very fruitful process of placing my hope in God.  it started w/my dad going into the nursing home, and me questioning why i couldn’t change what was happening to my sweet dad.  a friend recommended the book Trusting God by Jerry Bridges, and i literally devoured that book.  it gave me a perspective of God that i had never had before.  it helped me to see how very much God loves me and that he wants to be in control of my life…and that He knows what’s best for me, even when it hurts.  God used this book to literally change my life.

i wish i could say that i never struggle with this anymore, but i can say, in all honesty, that i have grown a ton in this area and that the struggle is very small now, as opposed to being huge and controlling my life.

i remember my pastor saying once that it’s good to look back at your past, because it gives you an opportunity to see where God has brought you and to give you all the more reason to be thankful for his amazing grace.

and  have to say that, in all honesty, i have experienced such a sweet sense of freedom from having put my hope in God and in willingly allowing him to control every area of my life…especially my marriage.

thank you, Lord, for the gift of my sweet husband.  thank you for giving him the much needed patience to walk this path with me and for givng him a love for me that blows my mind.  thank you for using him and jerry bridges to open my eyes to the Truth of your amazing love for me.

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