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hard week……

February 5, 2010

It’s been a rough week…….

i have walked (muddled would be a better word) through this week feeling very frustrated, overwhelmed, and basically very alone.  it’s wierd to hear myself say that i’ve felt alone, when i live in a house w/6 other people, but that’s totally how i’ve felt.

it doesn’t help that it’s tax season, the season where i can feel very much like a single mom at times.   a tax season “widow” , if you will.

anyway, i have walked through this week feeling like i’m walking through the dark w/no light to be seen anywhere.  by yesterday i was totally overwhelmed to the point where i was sure that things would always be this way…..sigh…not a pretty thought. 

i would listen to godly music, read Scripture, even mutter a few words of prayer here and there, but it all felt like it was for nothing.  like there was a wall blocking out any sense of hope.  i hadn’t shared any of this w/my husband, mainly because i was afraid that i would be putting more stress on him, which is the last thing i felt he needed right now (even though, i can see now that he would always want me to share my heart w/him, no matter what season we’re in.)

Then last night, God in his sweet kindness, prompted my husband to draw me out, and to ask me what’s on my heart & mind.  what a sweet God i serve……he knows exactly what i need, even before i know.

as we talked, it became apparent to both of us that, though our circumstances were different in some aspects, our struggles were basically the same….we’d lost our focus & perspective and were trying to “do life” in our own strength.  we were more aware of our circumstances than we were of God’s amazing grace.  we had lost sight of the fact that our greatest need has already been met, through Christ’s death on our behalf.

we had a nice, sweet discussion, which ended with my husband reminding me that he indeed does care about my struggles, even in the midst of a trying tax season and that i can talk to him anytime.  he reaffirmed his love and care for me and reminded me that we’re in this together.

greg’s kind words were a sweet reminder to me of something else…..

that my heavenly Father loves me even more than my sweet husband does.  that He is always there for me, and that even when i “feel” far from Him, it is me that has moved away, not Him.  that when i put my eyes on my circumstances rather than on my Lord, i am blinded to everything that is True.

during my quiet time this morning, i read an excerpt from The Valley of Vision( which happens to be one of my favorite quiet time resources).  the title of this one was called:

 God ALL-Sufficient

how like God to bring me to this one today.  here’s the part that stood out to me:

Teach us to place our happiness in thee, the blessed God, never seeking life among the dead things of earth, or asking for that which satisfies the deluded; But may we prize the light of thy smile, implore the joy of thy salvation, find our heaven in thee.  Thou hast attended to our happiness more than we can do; though we are fallen creatures thou hast NOT neglected us.  In love and pity thou hast provided us a saviour…..

God is good and He always sees our hearts….even when we can’t see beyond the circumstances.

Another time i will share other lessons i learned during my “dark” week.

“i once was lost, but now i’m found, was blind but now i see.  twas grace that brought me safe thus far, and grace will lead me home.”  ~Amazing Grace

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