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January 30, 2010

mom and dad

during care group last night we shared areas of our lives where we’ve seen God use hardship/trials to grow us.  i immediately thought of my sweet dad and how much i’ve grieved over losing him (mentally) to alzheimers in the past few years, and how God has used this time to grow me in my dependence on/and trust in Him

i have been grieving this loss over and over for almost 3 years now……everytime i see my dad or think of him, i am reminded of the way things used to be…and i grieve.

i used to think that grief was only related to having lost someone to death….until i lost my dad mentally to alzheimers.  now i know that a person can actually grieve in different ways and for many years, even while their sick (or dying) loved one is still alive.

i know now that grief can affect a person’s body in ways we may never even realize is related to grieving.  for instance, many times after visiting my dad in the nursing home, i will find that i actually bite my tongue in my sleep and not even feel it until i wake up with a raw tongue the next morning.

there are many times after visiting him that i will have nightmares for many nights in a row and wake up fearing that someone i love is going to die.

though it’s been extremely hard (awful actually) going through this time, i can find hope in the very real truth that God is using this illness for his glory. 

i can totally see, with much gratefulness, that God has used this time to draw me closer to the One who loves my sweet dad even more than i do, and that every day that i walk through this time, He is making me more like

mom and dad


i have taken much comfort lately in the fact that my dad is not suffering anymore over the realization that his brain is being taken over by alzheimers.  as a matter of fact, he is totally unaware of the awful state that this world is in and doesn’t have to worry about anything. 

and while i’d love to have my dad back to the way he was, it’s comforting knowing that His heart is with the Lover of his soul and that not even alzheimers disease can separate him from the love of our Lord and Savior.

Lord, thank you for the gift of my precious dad.  thank you for the example he set for me and my family of what godliness looks like.  thank you, Lord, that he knows you intimately and loves you with all of his heart.  thank you, that even though we may not be able to communicate with him any longer, that you are able to speak right to his heart.  thank you, Lord, for persuing him, for opening his eyes to the gospel, and for saving him by your amazing grace.  in Jesus’ name, amen



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